if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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