Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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