meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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