God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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