My room smells like vodka and shame
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
