Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
