You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
