My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
