Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
