Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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