also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
