I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
