I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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