Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Someone shit on the floor
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
