Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
