Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
