You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
