I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
