dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
