He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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