Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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