there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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