Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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