doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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