she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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