So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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