I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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