She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
