Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
