I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
