My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
