laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
