Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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