she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
