I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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