Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
