My hand turned me down
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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