I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
