It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
