My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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