wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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