My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
