plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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