All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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