The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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