I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
