sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
50% drunk capacity currently
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
