I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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