It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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