You made me cry and you don't even care
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
