the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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