I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
