Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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