I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
