is your mom at the bar?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
